in response to 26/4 (see previous post):

i, in all sense of the word, was
a
   coward

but it was never about the pain;
pain, i could feel it
     it was there
in my bones and
 muscles
pain, has always been familiar but

this fear?

   i had never known it before;
this fear is unlike when
       you know you screwed up when
         you decide to consume horror or whenever
     you think you are scared

this fear?
this fear is lethal it’s
   in my head it’s
     eating away what i have built for years;

all those self-help books
   and mental exercises i prided myself to master they were
infinitely useless because of this;

irrational,
 hysterical,
  maniacal fear that made me reluctant to just use my knee like how it should be.

apparently, i can swim again.
biking is not out of the question.
you? you will always be there to see me wearing
ridiculous outfit and paying for our silver screen escapade every few months or so.

i will be alright,
       and so will you,
         (and then we all will).

26/4

of all things that i enjoy,
after fucking up my knee apparently i won’t be:

a. able to swim anymore
        (which is the only sports i can do, also because
    of my poor legs in the first place)
and
            b. advised to bike
(which is a form of transportation that i’ve always liked better than the other).

when the needle pricked my knee and
        the sharp, stinging pain was
            there
                while the doctor tried to divert my attention from the pain by asking mundane questions i—

    i thought about you.

and when the blood was drawn and i felt my knee went numb i still thought about you.

when i sobbed in the shower a week later because it got too much i thought about you.

when i woke up in the morning slowly getting better and better everyday,

of course i thought about you.

                (because this is nothing compared to yours and
                    i knew—you and she did, too, it’s
                        just that i’ve never been treated in a hospital before
           and i simply allowed myself to be scared for quite some time.

p.s. it’s not a good feeling at all. i don’t know how you do it and i’m sorry.)

    this is nothing.
        we both will be fine.