Saturday, July 14, 2018

teman-teman wanitanya bamby


baru sekali ini gue nyaris menitikkan air mata di pernikahan teman wanita. asli.

kalo lo ngikutin blog gue, mungkin sekelebat suka melihat dan ingat satu nama yang cukup sering disebut: azka.

azka  yang baru saja dipersunting lelaki yang dulu, sembilan tahun lalu, jadi pujaan hatinya karena doi ganteng. nama cowok itu selalu diucapkan dengan lantang karena nama tengah azka adalah 'toa' alias kenceng bat doi kalo udah cerita soal cowok pujaannya.

anjay zka. gue nyaris nangis tadi pas kita saling melemparkan finger hearts sambil nyengir lebar; elo di atas pelaminan dengan baju adat padang warna biru bersama cowok pujaan, dan gue di tengah-tengah ratusan orang, sendirian.

nggak deng, bareng ifa dan a'a suami. muakakakakakakak.

fuck lah. my period passed two weeks ago dammit. but still i was so emotional. even now, as i'm typing this. bahkan ketika di taksi pulang, sambil dengerin EDM, gue juga nyaris nangis lagi gara-gara keinget masa-masa kuliah kita dulu fuuuuuuuuuck. kosan legend kita. mahendra bayu di jakal km 4,5 - memori manis anak-anak gadis perantauan.

mungkin lo bakal baca ini zka, so i'm gonna say this:

i love you. full.

 
blog ini ada sejak gue zaman kuliah dulu.

zaman gue masih sombong dan nggak ngerti apa itu 'connecting with people' macam nokia. sekarang gue udah jauh lebih tua, definitely wiser kayak pepatah, dan jujur, gue malu.

gue malu karena i'm pretty sure i've been taking my female friendships for granted, at least waaay before i'm wise like today, exactly when i was still a young, broke, and a fucking dumb teen.

asli.

malu gue kalo inget gimana gue selalu ngasih cold shoulders ke temen-temen wanita yang luar biasa, yang selalu ada, yang dulu gue anggap lemah karena menye atau keterlaluan kepo-nya atau... hal-hal sepele lain yang sebenarnya menjadikan mereka berharga. azegh. nggak banget dah lo, bam. minta maaf lo sama semua temen-temen wanita lo.

dengan ini gue memohon maaf yang sebesar-besarnya buat semua yang ngerasa pernah berteman sama bamby muahahahahah. terutama yang cewek. i'm so sorry, thank you for being understanding, i will try my best to listen and be there for you. maaf ya, gue kayak gitu dulu. sok sok dark gitu anaknya. sok nggak butuh. sok iya bat deh cih. maafkan daku.

terutama buat azka.

lol.

love you bro. selamat menempuh kehidupan berumah tangga ya, all the best for you and him. you can do it.

you know where to always find me if you need anything, yeah?





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Thursday, June 14, 2018

in response to 26/4 (see previous post):


i, in all sense of the word, was
a
   coward

but it was never about the pain;
pain, i could feel it
     it was there
in my bones and
 muscles
pain, has always been familiar but

this fear?

   i had never known it before;
this fear is unlike when
       you know you screwed up when
         you decide to consume horror or whenever
     you think you are scared

this fear?
this fear is lethal it’s
   in my head it’s
     eating away what i have built for years;

all those self-help books
   and mental exercises i prided myself to master they were
infinitely useless because of this;

irrational,
 hysterical,
  maniacal fear that made me reluctant to just use my knee like how it should be.

apparently, i can swim again.
biking is not out of the question.
you? you will always be there to see me wearing
ridiculous outfit and paying for our silver screen escapade every few months or so.

i will be alright,
       and so will you,
         (and then we all will).






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Saturday, June 2, 2018

26/4


of all things that i enjoy,
after fucking up my knee apparently i won’t be:

a. able to swim anymore
        (which is the only sports i can do, also because
    of my poor legs in the first place)
and
            b. advised to bike
(which is a form of transportation that i’ve always liked better than the other).

when the needle pricked my knee and
        the sharp, stinging pain was
            there
                while the doctor tried to divert my attention from the pain by asking mundane questions i—

    i thought about you.

and when the blood was drawn and i felt my knee went numb i still thought about you.

when i sobbed in the shower a week later because it got too much i thought about you.

when i woke up in the morning slowly getting better and better everyday,

of course i thought about you.

                (because this is nothing compared to yours and
                    i knew—you and she did, too, it’s
                        just that i’ve never been treated in a hospital before
           and i simply allowed myself to be scared for quite some time.

p.s. it’s not a good feeling at all. i don’t know how you do it and i’m sorry.)

    this is nothing.
        we both will be fine.



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